pullmeoutalive | Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe;

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Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe;

[ work, as she'd predicted, has been getting increasingly schedule-jamming. Not that Makoto minds, but in between work and studying and the few occasional moments of free time she could get with the other idols, it's been even harder to get the chance to see her... boyfriend (and she'll get used to thinking of him like that sooner or later, but it never fails to make her feel unusually shy).

Well, she'd reasoned, he had a training camp, so even if she'd had the time, he would have been gone anyway-- but that doesn't stop her from texting him, taking a breather from the rehearsal with Mami and Haruka to do so. ]

Hey! How'd the training camp go?

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[And he would have been surprised either way--

But right now he just pauses, and then he sighs quietly, burying his face in her hair for a brief moment. He...doesn't know how to respond to that. She wouldn't be mad or upset if he wasn't okay, and he knows that, and he knows she means it, but...

...Haaaa.]

Somehow, even knowing that, I still want to say that I'm fine...

[It's just a little wry, because she knows he's not fine and he knows he's not fine but...he can't say it anyway.]

[ she squeezes him a little, sighing almost tiredly. ]

Isn't that because you don't like other people worrying about you? But I really...

[ a pause, and then when he draws back, she tilts her head up to frown at him. ]

I really can't believe that, so maybe it's better if you don't try to reassure me.

[....well, that's pretty blunt. But she doesn't think he's alright, and he has to admit she's right...and so he just sighs and lets her go and nods.]

Alright...I guess I'm not really that fine.

[But he's still smiling...]

We should head back home though, at least for a little while, instead of standing here.

... Oh! Right, um-- [ hugging in public oops. She'll release him, guiltily. ]

Let's get going!

[He doesn't look guilty at all, just offer her another smile--and he reaches for her hand, holding her hand tentatively as they walk.]

It would probably be more comfortable to talk there.

[He hasn't forgotten...]

Probably, huh? [ and she works her fingers in between his, giving their joined hands a swing. ]

I'm glad to see you, too... sorry I didn't say it before.

[..ah. He just smiles, shaking his head.]

You have nothing to apologize for...I'm very happy to see you too. Thank you for coming.

Of course I'd come! You don't always have to smile your way through everything.

[...you don't have to smile your way through everything...

...It's a little impossible, isn't it? He just doesn't know why he does, but...It's just how he is.

But as they stroll down the street, he just sighs.]

I...know. [heh...] I'm sorry for being so difficult.

... [ she stops, using her free hand to-- flick him on the forehead. ]

Don't apologize. Absolutely not allowed!

[alskndglfg

and he's startled and surprised and it shows on his face.]

W-wha--

Sorr--

[..aslkfndd. Cough. um.]

Er...

[ and she just gives him a Look. ]

Try again!

[...and he takes a deep breath and lets it out as a sigh.]

I'm glad that you came to visit.

[Is that better?]

[ she grins, then, reaching up to ruffle his hair. It's a little better than flicks. ]

There! I'll make sure it's a good one, too!

[And he smiles gently at her, because...he really is touched that she's being this kind and sweet, but at the same time...

It's nice to have someone refuse to let him apologize for once. Because it really isn't his fault at all.

So he just smiles at her, and then blinks as he realizes they reached his home--and he just takes a seat on the steps, because the sunshine is warm and nice after that cold night, even now.]

Is this okay?

Yeah, if it's okay with you! [ and to prove her point, she's just calmly plunking herself down beside him and giving him an expectant look. ]

[...and he doesn't know what to say now. He just clasps his hands together over his knees and looks down at the ground and...pauses.

It sure is peaceful now though. It's warm and the birds are chirping, and the sunshine drips down from the trees above, which is much more pleasant than the storm from before.

...and finally, he sighs.]

We probably pushed him too hard...I suppose Rei must have felt like he wasn't up to par, since he couldn't keep up. [His job as captain to make sure that didn't happen...]

So he decided to try to swim at night to catch up.

[Rei was sleeping in the same tent as him, so he should've noticed sooner--]

At night?? That's dangerous to do on your own! Though I guess you already know that...

[ but an inexperienced swimmer out in the ocean? That gave her chills, even in this warmth. ]

[...haaaa. Makoto just nods, and he's about to make this worse, he knows.]

There was a storm--that's what woke me up. A rainstorm came in and that's when I noticed Rei was missing.

[So now we're at an inexperienced swimmer in the ocean at night during a storm.

...and Makoto realizes just how bad the situation already sounds (and was) and rubs the back of his neck with a shaking hand. But he laughs--even if there's a shaky edge to that too.]

[ it's hard to miss that tremulous edge to his voice, to him-- and she almost reaches out, just to grasp his knee or touch his head or something... but she doesn't. Not yet. ]

... You went after him?

[ on your own? ]

[He just steadies himself as much as he can, smiling weakly at her.]

Of course I did...I couldn't just leave him out there to drown.

[...h-haa...]

Not that I did much good out there, in the end...

[As captain, as a swimmer, as a friend...he didn't help at all. He couldn't even save his friend.]

I can tell you right now that there aren't a lot of people who would go running into something that made them uncomfortable when it's at its most dangerous.

[ and she means it. ]

Makoto-kun... that you even risked your life like that in the first place-- I think that makes you incredibly brave.

[...he knows that what she's saying is true. He knows it, but it doesn't really help. Whether he was brave or not--whether he did all of that or not...

And slowly, his shoulders slump, and he covers his face with his hands, sighing slowly and shakily, breath hitching.]

I...I got out there, and I saw him-- d-drowning there and I--

[...He's struggling to not break down too terribly here, but with Makoto-chan right there and nobody else around...maybe it's easier to be honest like this.]

I froze and I...couldn't do anything at all.

[And his breath hitches again as he tries so hard to steady his breathing, because the terror and the feel of it, the feel of drowning in the ocean that he was so afraid of, was still right there, looming.]

[ Now, and she moves, because even if Makoto doesn't completely understand why, she knows what it's like to be scared and helpless and frozen. And she knows, most importantly, that she needs to be there for someone who had held back more than he ever should have.

So she reaches for him, bringing his head down to rest against her shoulder. ]

Makoto-kun... hey. [ softly, though her throat feels tight. ] You're both safe. That's the most important thing.

... That would be scary for anyone, though.

[He doesn't resist when she pulls his head down to rest on her shoulder; instead he swallows hard, breathing still uneven, as he tries to get control of himself and not break down completely on her.

It takes him a few moments before he can speak past the tightness in his throat, though.]

I-if Haru hadn't been there, I would have drowned. [it's the first time he's said it, and the first time he's thought it too--he knew, in a way, but it was too much to think about.

But now he knows for sure...he would have drowned out there. Just like the men on that boat, years and years ago. He would not have been able to swim to safety, and he would have drowned.]

I...would have drowned...

[And the realization is enough to tip him over the edge. He'd wanted to cry then, he really had, but Haru and Nagisa and Rei had all been there watching him and expecting things of him, and he hadn't been able to lose it there. Not there on the shore after he'd nearly died, and not in the abandoned shack either.

Perhaps it's fitting that it's here, in the sunshine, that the tears finally fall.]

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